My brother has been CLEAN AND SOBER for over 3 years. I thank God for that. We've grown to a place in our relationship where I don't feel like I have to protect myself from him, emotionally, physically, financially, you name it. I truly thank God that I have my brother back.
He was at the house yesterday and was talking with me and Lesley. I can't remember the question Lesley asked, but my brother's response struck me: "No, I was an addict a long time before I started using drugs."
I've been thinking about that a lot since he said that.
I realized that I was, too, despite the fact that I've never been addicted to drugs or alcohol.
God diddles in our lives. No doubt about that. He puts people and events in our lives that protect us, inspire us, move us, affirm us, and strengthen us along the way. I believe this: God knew that if I had started down the road of drugs and alcohol, there probably would not have been "recovery" for me. I've always been a "balls to the wall or nothing at all" kind of guy. If God had not intervened and protected me, I would not be alive today. I know I'm not strong enough to go through what I see recoverying alcoholics and addicts go through to stay alive.
Addiction is a terminal illness. If left untreated, it will kill the addict. That's the bottom line. A lot of addicts don't get serious about their recovery until they've come to that painful awareness. They have a terminal illness. They will die from it. But treatment leads to recovery, and recovery leads to life.
I believe that God knows my weakness. I believe that he put people, places and events in my life to keep me from going down that road. There were plenty of times when I had opportunity to use, but something interfered.
An example: I spent the entire spring semester of my junior year in college seminary drunk. That was the semester my great-grandfather died, and I felt incredibly betrayed by God. That was the semester where I really confronted my fears that if God existed at all, I thought he was an abusive, manipulative, asshole who enjoyed setting me up for failure to get his kicks. (I have of course come to understand Him very differently since then, but there's no doubt my image of God the Father was formed by my step-father.)
One morning towards the end of that semester, I was nursing a hang over and a cup of coffee, thinking about when I was going to go into town to buy another bottle of cheap scotch for that night. A guy who I knew was connected with AA came over to me.
"Can I talk to you for a second?" He asked.
I grunted.
"You know how to turn a cucumber into a pickle?" He persisted.
"No, I don't know how to turn a cucumber into a pickle." I was trying to let him know I also didn't really care at the moment.
"You soak it in vinegar," he said. "There's a long time where you can pull that cucumber out of that vinegar, and it will still be a cucumber. But once it turns into a pickle, it'll never be a cucumber again. And you don't know when that moment will be."
"Very enlightening," I said.
"You know how to make a guy an alcoholic?" He asked. I didn't really like where this was going. "You soak him in alcohol," he continued. "There's a long time where if a guy stops drinking, he won't be an alcoholic. But at the moment he flips that switch and becomes an alcoholic, there will never be a time for the rest of his life where he will not be an alcoholic again, and you don't know when that moment will be either." I didn't say anything to this. "I hope you think about that," he said as he got up from the table.
I didn't go buy that scotch that night. I didn't drink any alcohol again for probably 2 years. I can say that I've only actually been drunk 2 times since that conversation in 1995.
God put that guy in my life at that time to keep me from going down that road. I praise God that he also put the grace in me to listen to him. God also put dozens, maybe hundreds of people in my life that I may never even know about, who stepped in at various moments to keep me from going down a path from which I would never have RECOVERED.
What makes an alcoholic an alcoholic? It's not just soaking him in alcohol. There's a whole lot of other things that go into the thinking, attitudes and behaviors that alcoholics and addicts have. It's in their core, in their hearts and personalities. I believe I have those wounds, tendencies, weaknesses, "defects of character" in me. I believe God has protected me from drugs and alcohol, although my defects have come out in other ways in my life. I begin to recognize those defects of character more and more as I maneuver my meandering way through life.
So I believe (I hope that those who are in recovery from drugs and alcohol don't get offended by this) that while I have never been addicted to drugs or alcohol, I am in recovery. I am trying to work on those defects of character that have wounded so many people in my past, more people than I can possibly count, honestly. I know that I have left behind me a wake of wounded people. I am in recovery. Even the Alcoholics Anonymous big book (and my brother could tell you the page number) says that most people are sick, and only some express that sickness through addiction to alcohol and/or drugs.
I claim that recovery.
There's a myth out there that a lot of addicts join in as a way to keep them from having to work with "straight" counselors. The myth is that "If my counselor has not been an addict, he/she can't really understand what I'm going through, so there's nothing he/she can teach me." Unfortunately, that's a myth that many counselors have bought into, too.
With this myth in mind, many of my clients ask me if I'm in recovery. I've always wanted to say yes, but wasn't quite able to give that answer without feeling disingenuous. I claim my own recovery, now. Yes, I'm in recovery. Was I addicted to drugs and alcohol? No. Do I have defects of character that make me vulnerable to addiction and lead me to hurt people in my life? Absolutely, I do. And that's why I'm in recovery.
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That's beautiful, Jamie. You inspired a lot of thoughts, but I don't know that they're all that useful, so I'll just leave it at that.
ReplyDeleteThank you Jamie for hearing your brother and sharing your own experience Of how you were moved by that one comment. I'm sure there's been plenty of other tidbits of thoughts that were expressed between the two of you over the years. You may not remember but we went to grade school. Ron was in my class and you were in my cousin Cindy's class. I often thought back then, (and I don't claim to know either one of you very well)but what I did know and remember from that era was that he was this new kid...muscles from head to toe. He always seemed to carry himself w/ almost a cocky arrogence about himself. But even then there was something attractive about his confidence and dimeanor. And all I knew of you was that you were this adorable kid who was always talking about God. I think even back then we knew that was the path you were going to take. And honestly, you broke alot of girls hearts b/c they wanted your heart. We all thought (selfishly)..."what a waste of a gorgeous guy". I recently was reunited with your brother through recovery and can honestly say I enjoy his company and even though he still comes off as Mr. Tough guy on the outside...I believe he has a heart bigger than most. So to see him clean and sober is such an awesome thing. And I'm not sure if you remember but you married me and my husband Al Crawford. And actually Leslie was our organist. I am so happy for you and your beautiful family. I have alot of admiration for the both of you. It's kindof funny how peoples lives overlap at different times during our lifetime. I don't know if any of this is making sence or what but I guess the point that I'm trying to get acrossed is knowing and seeing you and your brother live completely opposite lives for many years, the fact that you can recognize your own defects and shortcomings by seeing and watching his recovery is what it's all about. Al died to this disease just this last Feb. from an alcohol overdose, 41yrs old. I don't know why some of us make it and some don't. It's a deadly disease left untreated will kill us. You probably have no idea how many lives you've touched over the years. Yes, we've all hurt some people along the way. But I wanted to thank you for sharing your story and just know that there are people out here praying for you and your family often. Thanks for your honesty. I'm glad you're in recovery too.
ReplyDeleteJamie, you always have such a great insite on things. I so enjoy reading your words. Prayers and hugs from the webbs. Can't wait to see nathaniel again.
ReplyDeleteThe Webbs