DISCLAIMER

I do not publish comments that are left anonymously. I expect people to take responsibility for what they say.

If you comment anonymously, I won't even read it. All comments are sent to my email address prior to publication. When I see that a comment was left by "ANONYMOUS", I delete it without opening it. If you don't care enough to take responsibility for what you say, then I don't care enough to know what it is you've said.

What is always welcome is open discussion in a spirit of mutual respect.

Share It If You Like It

If you read something you like, feel free to share it on fb or twitter or email the link. It helps to spread the word! Thanks.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

The Crisis of Overcommitment

I have in my past and I have heard others lament what seems to be a "Crisis of Commitment" in our culture. The divorce rate in the United States consistently floats between half to two-thirds of marriages. The turnover in the labor market is huge. People used to work for 20, 30, 40 and even 50 years for the same company. Now, it seems in many places, if you've worked somewhere for 5 years, you're one of the senior employees. This is true of communities in which we live, too. My grandparents lived in the same community for over 60 years. My great-grandfather lived in the same community for 100 years (his whole life), and the same house for 70 years. According to a research study conducted by the National Association of Home Builders, about 33% of people will have moved from homes they purchased within 7 years of purchasing them. Only about 33% of people will still be in homes they purchased 25 years earlier. We are a mobile society, constantly on the move. All of this indicates that we are not a culture that engages in long term commitments.

I would agree with the perception of others that there is a general disregard for a "traditional" definition of commitment as something that is life-long, firm, unwavering. I have even heard of people "vowing" in their wedding ceremony that they will remain faithful "as long as their love shall last," which usually means the end of the honeymoon. "If we split up...", "If it doesn't work out...", and similar phrases are commonly heard in people planning their "long-term" relationships these days. I hear words like this all the time when doing couples' counseling.

I would argue, however, that the cultural disregard for a more traditional understanding of commitment has a different source. I think it has to do more with burnout.

I don't think we have a "Crisis of Commitment," but rather a "Crisis of Overcommitment."

As I walk down this path of married life with children, I can see it happening. Jacob has tee ball. Jacob and Caitlin have swimming lessons. During the school year, there's Cubbies (AWANAS children's bible study program for little ones). Lesley and I have commitments to Nathaniel's healthcare, of course. I have my MC and my participation on the board of the Pregnancy Help Center of Central Missouri. I also have a prayer group, which meets less and less frequently (a sign of overcommitment among its members). I also try to volunteer 1 time per month to help at the Samaritan Center, which has been happening less and less (a sign of overcommitment on my part). Oh yeah, I also have my wife and children and job. Lesley, God love her, is the only one who has no commitments to anything outside of us and her work, but those commitments seem to fill her time over-abundantly. Poor girl has barely any time to herself. I can only imagine at this point what it will be like for us when the children are committed to school, sports, extra-curricular activities and all sorts of other things. I hear about parents who don't see each other except for at night when they kiss good night and pass out from exhaustion. These people are not suffering from a lack of commitment, but from overcommitment. We get committed to so many different things that we end up doing everything with half a heart.

And then we get burned out.

I can see it happening to me now. Things I really used to enjoy, like riding my motorcycle, become tedious. I love the type of work I do, but these days, more days than not, I wake up and think, "Well, here we go again." I've lost the enthusiasm for the lives that I know I can touch. Even things that I know benefit me in the deepest levels spiritually, like meeting with a cursillo prayer group, become just another appointment on my calendar. Overcommitted and burned out. I recognize the signs.

But what to do?

I wonder if you can relate to this. It's not that your not committed. You are. As a matter of fact, you are so committed to so many things that you want to quit them all and be monk for a year or 10. The result of this pandemic of overcommitment: high divorce rates, low retention rates at work, half-hearted efforts at things that we say are important to us, and burn out, making us irritable with those we love the most.

What to do?

Maybe it is time to quit.

Oh, not everything.

When is the last time you sat down and really made a list of everything you have going on in your life, AND PRIORITIZED THEM? It's been a while for me. And by everything, I mean EVERYTHING. How much time do you spend on social media networks? Has that reached the level of commitment? You are committed to it because that is how you communicate with people now. How about your favorite television show that you just don't want to miss? Are you committed to watching America's Got Talent? What about time spent doing household stuff, like dishes, laundry, vacuuming, and budgeting? I'm pretty sure that most people don't budget, not because they don't care, but because they are not committed literally to sitting down and figuring it up, so they end up flying by the seat of their pants and hoping the paycheck hits before they have to transfer more money out of their savings to cover their bills that week.

Maybe it's time for a hard reset. Maybe it's time to look at our commitments in life and decide to which ones we really should be committed, and which ones we just need to let go.

Letting go of things to which we've said we're committed is never easy. After all, no one wants to break a commitment. I believe that everyone, even those who consistently break their promises, want to be considered as people who are good to their word. So it seems odd that I'm talking about keeping commitments by quitting things to which we are committed. Wouldn't it be better, though, to be committed to 2 or maybe 3 things, and do them well, than to be committed to 10 things and do them all poorly? A lot of times, we won't let go of our commitments because we've bought into the myth that if I don't do it, no one else will. The fact is, the Samaritan Center has existed for a long time before me, and will probably continue to flourish if I never darken their doorsteps again. I'm pretty confident about that, actually.

We can't be afraid of letting something go because we think it would stop functioning without us. That's an ego trip. Reality check: if whatever you're committed to would fall apart without you, you've already failed in your commitment. Commitments are not meant to create dependency, but to create interchange that lifts up both partners.

Some commitments we can just quit. As I said, if I decide not to give anymore time to the Samaritan Center, they're not going to miss me. Some commitments need planning, preparation and transition before we can give them up. If we do this responsibly, even though we're letting a thing go, we have fulfilled our commitment to it.

But to what should we be committed?

This is going to sound very selfish, but I think we should only be committed to those things that help us be the kind of people we want to be. Think about the kind of person you would like to be. What characteristics would you like to have? There's an exercise that the late Stephen Covey discussed in his work, "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People." Imagine you're at your own funeral, and as people walk by, they are talking about you. What kinds of things would you like to be said about you? At its essence, that's who you want to be. Be committed, then to those things that bring out those elements in you that you want. If you are committed to being a Christian, it seems you would value your commitment to a Church community more than your commitment to your golf buddies. If you don't care whether you're a Christian or not, being committed to a community of believers isn't really going to matter to you.

There's another question: How are we to be committed?

Many people make the mistake of thinking that every commitment is "jump in the deep-end" type. You're all in or your not. I can be committed to the shallow end very easily. But I need to understand and others need to understand that I'm not going to the deep end on this one. I will go in as far as my knees, and that's it. We don't have to give everything to every thing to which we are committed. I can commit this much time to this group, project, whatever. I commit 40 hours a week to my job. That's it. I commit a few hours a month to the Pregnancy Help Center. No more. I commit myself, "jump-in-the-deep-end," to my family.

Of course, all of this means that we have to become comfortable saying, "No." If we start pealing away all the extraneous commitments, people will begin to notice that the things to which we are truly committed flourish. They will, then, invite us to be committed to their cause. If we aren't comfortable saying, "No," then we will end up in the same situation that we are trying to escape, being overcommitted and burned out.

Research studies have proven that there is a direct relationship between having something to which you are totally committed, and your level of Authentic Happiness (see the book by that name by Martin Seligman, PhD). Research also proves, that the higher number of things we find ourselves half-heartedly involved in has a direct relationship with our level of unhappiness.

If you're like me, feeling overcommitted and on the edge of burnout, join me in this exercise.

  1. Make a list of all the things to which you are committed. ALL OF THE THINGS.
  2. Prioritize that list, using as a guide the idea that you should be committed to only those things that are consistent with who you want to be as a person. 
  3. Recommit yourself to the top few that are consistent with who you want to be.
  4. Review the rest and determine the ones you can walk away from with minimal impact on you and the others involved. Drop those immediately.
  5. Determine which ones require planning, preparation, and transition. Discuss with others involved your intention to remove yourself from whatever it might be, and make a plan to prepare for the transition. Execute the plan.
Let me know what you think. I'd be interested in your feedback on if this exercise is helpful.

Monday, July 02, 2012

Christianity and Socialism

It is my goal to make both conservatives and liberals uncomfortable with this post. If you find yourself not liking what I’m writing here, I will consider this post a success.

In the second reading at Mass in the Catholic Church this past weekend, we heard these words from St. Paul’s letter to the Corinthians, “For you know the gracious act of our Lord Jesus Christ, that though he was rich, for your sake he became poor, so that by his poverty you might become rich. Not that others should have relief while you are burdened, but that as a matter of equality your abundance at the present time should supply their needs, so that their abundance may also supply your needs, that there may be equality. As it is written: Whoever had much did not have more, and whoever had little did not have less.” (2 Corinthians 8: 9, 13-15)

We have numerous passages in the scriptures like this in both the New and Old Testaments; passages which exhort us to supply for the needs of those who do not have materially what they need. These passages are too numerous even to list, but anyone with an internet can look them up. In this passage specifically, St. Paul is encouraging the people of Corinth to take up an offering to supply another Christian community that is experiencing a famine with food and other necessary material goods. 

We have the example of the earliest Christian community: “They devoted themselves to the teaching of the apostles and to the communal life, to the breaking of the bread and to the prayers. All who believed were together and had all things in common; they would sell their property and possessions and divide them among all according to each one’s need.” (Acts 2: 42, 44-45)

If you can hear it, this foreshadows in an eerie way the words of Karl Marx, the philosophical founder of Socialism, “From each according to his ability; to each according to his need.” The fundamental Christian teaching about how to provide for the poor is echoed in socialism’s fundamental principle of redistribution of wealth.

This mandate is a fundamental principle of Christian life. We help those who are in need. That means we have a Christian mandate to give. What are the basic principles of giving. As Christians, we give generously. As Christian’s we give cheerfully. As Christians, we give so that others have what they need.

If you’re conservative, I hope your beginning to feel uncomfortable, because you need to be liberal, at least as far as your offering of time, talent and treasure goes. The confusion between what we need and what we want is not just among the poor. Conservatives often complain that tax dollars are begin given to the poor so that they can have expensive cable plans and expensive smartphone plans. The poor don’t need cable or smartphones, the argument goes, so why should tax dollars go to support that. Why should our tax money go to support someone who owns a Cadillac? 

The fact is the rich don’t NEED cable either. And “back when we were kids,” there were a lot of rich people out there who didn’t have smartphones. They made and managed their money without “staying connected” to it 24/7. Why should someone who claims to be a Christian own an Escalade? Why shouldn’t he or she own a Ford Focus and give the rest of that money to charity? What we need and what we want are two different things.

For Christians who want to follow the example of Christ: “though he was rich, he became poor.” Are we willing to give up our luxuries in order to make sure others have necessities? How radical of a Christian are you willing to be?

Maybe if we were a little more radical in our Christianity, there would be no need for the government to provide for the poor.

I hope conservatives are squirming in their seats right now.

Liberals, it’s your turn.

I’ve just laid out that the fundamental Christian teaching about caring for the poor is echoed centuries later by the socialistic principles of redistribution of wealth, “From each according to his ability; to each according to their need.” This, however, cannot be used to justify a socialist governmental system in which the government taxes the rich so it can redistribute that wealth to the poor. 

First, our Lord’s command to care for the poor is meant to convert the heart, not open the wallet. 

I want to clear up a confusion that seems to occur often when conservatives and liberals argue. The liberal is arguing that everyone should “pay their fair share.” You are right. People should pay their fair share.

Conservatives, however, argue back that it is not the role of government to redistribute wealth, taking money from the rich and giving it to the poor. And conservatives are right. In the United States, under the constitution that governs our nation, it is not the government’s responsibility to do this.

Nor is it the government’s responsibility to do this under Christian teaching. Christ instructed us to pay our taxes. The apostles taught us to pray for, respect and obey the government authority. But early Christian teaching nowhere defines it as the role of government to take from some and give it to others. The sacrifice of redistribution of our wealth is to be made willingly, through conversion. I would challenge any Christian to find where Christianity teaches that it is the government’s role to force people into charitable giving. You won’t find it there.

We are called, undoubtedly, to give to the poor. I am not called, however, to make sure that you are giving what I consider to be your fair share. Public officials tax returns are open for anyone to see. Isn’t it interesting that the liberals in power, including President Obama and Vice-President Biden, on their tax returns, do not give charitably anywhere close to the amount that their conservative counterparts have donated. Why? When you shift responsibility to the government, you necessarily shift it away from yourself. President Obama and Vice-President Biden believe that it is the government’s responsibility to provide for the poor. If I believe that the government is taking care of the poor, then I don’t have to. The teachings of Jesus make it clear that giving is to be done from the heart. Our tithe is not to be institutionalized by the government.

I wish my liberal friends would hear this: the question is not about should we or should we not care for the poor. We have a mandate to do this in our faith. The question is about what role should (notice, “should,” not “does”) government play in our lives. The purpose of the experiment of the United States of America was formulated beautifully by Thomas Jefferson: “whether man shall be allowed to govern himself or be ruled by a small elite.” It is fundamental to the American way of life that we believe that we are capable of governing ourselves, of using our freedom responsibly. This includes the way that we freely choose to give to take care of the needs of the poor around us.

Government intrusion into our freedom to give charitably violates what we believe as Americans and what we believe as Christians. The charitable offering is supposed to be freely given. While you can demonstrate that socialism and Christianity have the principle of redistribution in common, you cannot use Christian teaching to justify a Socialist state. 

Christianity teaches that our care for the poor is done freely as a response to the love God has for us. VeggieTales actually expresses this in their story about St. Nicholas. The song that runs throughout the show and eventually inspires Nicholas to become generous goes, “I can love because God loves me. I can give because God gave.” We cannot use that to justify a governmental mandate to redistribute our wealth. That violates the very essence of the meaning of Christian charity. If the government forces us to give to the poor through taxation to fund the entitlement programs, we no longer do it out of love for God and our neighbor, but out fear of prison for tax evasion.

I’ll repeat what I said earlier: maybe if we all were a little more radical in our Christianity, then there would be no need for the government to provide for the poor.

Monday, May 21, 2012

Radical Acceptance Part II

Life is suffering. The first of the four nobel truths of Buddhism. I go back to this again and again, because it is so important.

The Christian equivalent of this is that we are fallen creatures in a fallen world. Pain and suffering were not part of God's original plan of creation. They are the consequence of humanity's choice to sin (original sin). We suffer because original sin separates us from God. We will suffer until we are in complete union with him again. Part of that suffering is death, and that's what I'm reflecting on today.

But not death so much as the reality that my grandfather is going to die very soon, probably within a few days of my writing this. Lesley pointed out that she's never known anyone quite like him. He knows he is going to die. He knows he is going to die soon. Yet, he laughs, smiles, teases, gets out of bed and visits those who have come to visit him. He still remembers to say, "Thank you," when someone gets him something to eat or something to drink or pays him a compliment. He is gracious, despite his obvious physical pain and impending departure.

"Passing away," "passed on," "crossing the bar," and all of the other euphemisms we use cannot capture the same meaning as "death." My grandfather is going to meet death as a friend, another visitor. There's no reason to call it by any other name. He's not "passing on" or "passing away." He's dying. That's the reality.

That's the reality that he has accepted. He told me quite plainly that he's ready to die. "I ain't really scared of it neither," he said. "You have no reason to be scared of it," I responded. My grandfather is dying.

That's the reality he has accepted.

It's a lot harder for some others in my family to accept that reality. He's ready to go, but there are those who aren't ready to let him go. Accepting the reality of suffering and of death is really all we can do, though. To do otherwise is to create more suffering. We often suffer more because we cling to this myth that we shouldn't suffer, or that things shouldn't hurt.

The Dalai Lama put it in perspective for me in his book, The Art of Happiness. He states that when people suffer, they often ask the question, "Why me?" A better question, he teaches, would be to ask, "Why not me?" After all, he continues, what great thing have I done that I deserve not to suffer?

So how do I deal with suffering in my life? Here are 7 basic principles that I have found make the suffering in my life easier to manage:

1. I accept one thing at a time. Not even one day at a time. One thing at a time. I cannot do anything except what I'm doing right now. When I think about all of the things that have happened to my family over the last few years, my brother's motorcycle accident that nearly claimed his life, Nathaniel's near death and all of the subsequent issues we've dealt with due to his hemophilia and lung damage, my grandfather's cancer, treatment, and now immanent death, it's pretty overwhelming. The fact is, though, that there is nothing I can do about all of that. So what do I do? One thing at a time. When I'm at work, I do my work. When I'm in the hospital with Nathaniel, I'm in the hospital with Nathaniel. When I'm sitting across from my grandfather, I'm sitting across from my grandfather. One thing at a time makes it more manageable. What this "one thing at a time" attitude also does is allow me to enjoy the fun things in life. If I'm thinking about Nathaniel's illness, I miss that proud, somewhat self-satisfied smile he gets when he accomplishes something new. If I'm focusing on my grandfather's cancer all the time, I miss him teasing my sister about farting. One thing at a time means that I am able to enjoy the fun moments that come intermingled with the painful ones.

2. I accept all things with a spirit of deep gratitude. The next breath I take is a gift from God. I have nothing that has not been given to me in some way or another. I am so grateful for it all. What right do I have to make a demand on anyone for anything? It's all a gift. Gratitude becomes a way of life. My fundamental belief that everything is a gift frees me from a sense of entitlement. Lesley does not have to be married to me. My children do not have to love me or treat me with respect. My friends do not have to be my friends. These are all gifts. I don't deserve Lesley's love. I don't deserve my children's respect. I don't deserve my friends. Everything is a gift, and I am grateful for it all. If we don't understand that a gift is something that is freely given, we miss the point of this. We do not earn gifts by giving gifts to others. A gift is something freely given. I cannot demand a gift from somone. I should not have the expectation that someone will give me a gift. Here's a nugget for you: being grateful is the secret to true happiness.

3. I accept that suffering is a part of life. I don't fight it. That doesn't mean that if I get a headache, I won't take some advil. My brother said one of the smartest things I've ever heard, "Sure Jesus slept outside with a rock for a pillow, but I bet he looked for the softest rock he could find." Suffering is a part of life. Accepting that reality doesn't mean doing nothing about it. It just means that I'm not going to approach it with a sense of victimization. I'm also not going to take my suffering out on others.

4. I accept life on life's terms. I'm not in control of anything in this world except me. The winds (and sometimes storms) of life are going to blow where they will. Sometimes they will blow from behind me, pushing me forward. Sometimes they will be headwinds, making me have to work harder to get where I need to be. I can't change the direction of the wind. I accept it. I also accept death on life's terms. I cannot control death, either, but it  is a part of life. People and things die. What good is arguing against it?

5. I accept that people are fallible (including me). I am a fallible, struggling, ignorant person. And so is everybody else. (No offense intended.) People screw up. I screw up. My friends sometimes don't call me when they need to cancel. Sometimes I don't call. My wife sometimes doesn't think about how a decision she makes might affect me. Sometimes I don't think how something might affect her, too. The person on the road sometimes cuts me off in traffic. I've cut others off. None of us are perfect. I don't expect people to be. I don't expect me to be either. So, I'm going to be myself around you, nothing more, nothing less. I also will let you be yourself around me. It really is ok to be yourself, smiles and warts, pimples and posies and all.

6. I accept that God is God, and I am not. This means two things. First, I am not the center of the universe. The world does not revolve around me. Second, it means that I am not in control. I've already said a lot about that. I am not in control of the world, so it is not going to be the way I want it to be.  

7. I also accept God as God. Accepting that God is God and accepting God as God has an important distinction, and both are necessary. Accepting that God is God means that I do not think I am God. Accepting God as God means I do not want him to be anything other than who he is. Many people say that they accept that God is God, but then go on to attempt to define God according to their idea of who he should be. The fact is, there is no pretense in God. He cannot be anything other than himself. I'm pretty sure he knows more about things than I do, so I'm just going to let him be who he is and try to get to know him, rather than try to remake him according to the way I'd like him to be. Since the end of all my suffering will be when I am one with God, I want to make sure it's really God with whom I am seeking unity, and not some image of God that I've made up. I let God be himself with me.

So, it all boils down to acceptance...Radical Acceptance. I've written about this before, but I've been thinking about it more with the death of my grandfather fast approaching.

Friday, April 27, 2012

Have Spirituality, Will Travel (or Why Bikers Make Good Gurus)

I’m reading a really good book referred to me by my good friend Fr. Tom Pastorius called, “The Spirituality of Imperfection.” The authors Earnest Kurtz and Katherine Ketcham explore how the fundamental principles of recovery that were expressed by Bill W. and Dr. Bob, the founders of Alcoholics Anonymous, are rooted in ancient Christian, Jewish, Buddhist, and Muslim spiritual traditions. The book uses stories about and sayings from the spiritual masters of these traditions to deepen the understanding of such principles of recovery as rigorous honesty, release, gratitude, humility, tolerance, and forgiveness. I’ve gotten a lot out of it.

The authors do a really good job of describing different paradigms of spirituality, describing spirituality by the use of different images. The image they like the best is that spirituality is a pilgrimage. In our spiritual lives, we are pilgrims in the ancient sense of the word. We are trying to get to a holy place where we will experience total healing of all of our defects. We are not there yet, and so we still struggle along the way. And since none of our companions on the journey are there yet either, they still struggle along the way, too. Being patient with my struggles and the struggles of others is essential for the success of the pilgrimage.

There is one description of this idea of pilgrimage, however, that I would change. They describe our spiritual journey as being “open-ended.” By this, they mean that there are so many turns in the road and various events along the way, that as people on the spiritual pilgrimage, we can’t ever be locked in to one way of experiencing things or one way of doing things. I believe this is true, but I would not use the word “open-ended” to describe this concept.

Open-ended suggests that there is no identifiable end or goal to which we come on our spiritual pilgrimage. There is, though. The end or the goal is spiritual unity and integrity. A person may be Buddhist, and seeking the emptying of self to find ultimate unity with all things through the cycles of birth and death. A person may believe in one of the 3 monotheistic religions, Christianity, Judaism, or Islam. In this case, the person is seeking union with the divine. The end of our spiritual pilgrimage is unity, so the idea of the spiritual pilgrimage as being “open-ended” doesn’t quite fit.

I think the idea that our spiritual pilgrimage occurs on an “open-road” better describes our journey than the idea that the journey is “open-ended.” Biker’s understand this concept, which is why bikers make good gurus for the spiritual journey.

When a biker plans a road trip, he looks at a map to make sure that he is going the right direction. From Missouri, he figures he needs to go northwest to get to Hollister, CA. He wants to make sure he’s going west. He figures on how fast he wants to get there, and that helps him decide whether to stick to the state highways or hit the super slabs (interstates). So he picks a road going in the direction he’s headed. The biker knows, though, deep in his soul, that he can’t control the road. He can’t control what may or may not happen to his bike along the way. He can’t even control whether or not he’s even gonna make it.

The biker accepts this reality. He doesn’t try to control what he has no power over. The deer jumping out of the woods. The idiots in their cages (that’s a biker term for cars, trucks, anything that you ride in and not on) who “just didn’t see him.” The mechanics of his bike as they vibrate and rumble down the road.

Oh, there are things he can do to help him as he goes along. He’s mindful of not just the road in front of him, but of all the beauty and dangers that lay along the side of the road. He’s constantly scanning all around him. This allows him to see any dangers along the way, but it also opens his vision to the amazing beauty that most people drive right by. He’s aware of the other drivers on the road, especially the ones who are cooped up in their cages, busy texting, flipping through the radio stations, or nodding off because they’re so comfortable. He lets these other drivers be distracted and tired and hurried. He isn’t interested in changing them, but he may need to react because of them. He learns the mechanisms of his bike and carries the basic tools he needs, so that if something does happen to his ride he can do at least a quick fix on the side of the road until he can get someplace where a more serious repair can happen.

There’s a poem I wrote sometime ago that catches this concept:

Grace

I now accept the road and all it sends:
Its rocks and sand; its potholes and its bends.
I now receive the sun and rain and winds.
Reluctantly, I, too, embrace its ends.
I put my faith in this machine I ride.
On these two wheels, there is no place to hide.
It lives in me, and I in it abide.
In bolts and gears, rod and shaft I confide.
I know me, like a too familiar song.
I know just how far I can ride, how long.
I know the places where I can go wrong.
I know myself, where I am weak and strong.
When road, the ride, and rider become one
Are Peace and Grace and then the trip’s begun.

The biker accepts the reality that while he can plan the trip, he has no control over its twists and turns.

The biker lives in a constant state of spiritual pilgrimage:

Accepting life on life’s terms, and don’t try to make it into something its not.

Honesty…bikers usually aren’t afraid to tell you what they think, and reject automatically anything that is insincere, which they can smell out like a pig sniffing truffles.

Integrity: you’ll find in the biker community, a person’s only as good as his word.

Release, because it’s useless to try to control those things over which I have no power.

Humility…bikers are usually “what you get is what you see” kind of people.

Gratitude for the journey. If you listen to any biker story about a biker trip, you will hear that deep, ineffable kind of gratitude for everything that happened along the way, including the hardships encountered.

Tolerance…Biker’s live by the words, “Don’t tread on me.” Bikers will be the first to go to battle for your right to do whatever you feel like you need to do. They get a little testy when people try to limit or draw a box around them. Bikers recognize that people are both free and fallible, which makes them pretty tolerant of others.

Forgiveness, a biker may never speak to you again if you break his trust, but he won’t hold on to that resentment. He just won’t deal with you at all. That’s not unforgiving, it’s accountability.

The principles of spirituality outlined in “The Spirituality of Imperfection” come naturally to bikers, because they touch the very heart of the biker culture. Reading this book, I felt that harmony that truth resonates in our deepest hearts when we hear it. It put words to things that I was thinking, and gave clarity to some of my aspirations.

This is a good book for anybody on the spiritual pilgrimage of life.

Saturday, April 07, 2012

Rejoice and Be Glad! Rejoice with us!

In July, 2006, I informed the bishop that I had been in a relationship with Lesley and that she had become pregnant with my child. We discussed various options I had at the time. The bishop told me that I was free to request the dispensation from Holy Orders at any time, but he told me that if I remained in the diocese, he would not be able to support my petition for a Dispensation from Holy Orders for at least 2 years. A Dispensation from Holy Orders is what is necessary for a man who was ordained a priest to be dispensed from his promises he made during the time of his ordination of celibacy and obedience to the bishop.

The bishop felt that if I received a dispensation so quickly after having left the priesthood, it would cause scandal to the faithful. One must understand the Church’s definition of “scandal” in order to understand what the bishop meant by this. “Scandal” in the Church’s definition means anything that causes the faithful to wonder or to question the legitimacy of the teachings of the faith. By being dispensed immediately after having left the priesthood, the bishop was afraid that it would cause a perception among the faithful that getting dispensed from Holy Orders is easy or convenient. The perception could be given that a man could get ordained, and then leave the priesthood, and it’s no big deal.

The bishop did offer another option that Lesley and I move from the diocese. Being somewhere that no one knew us would decrease the possibility of scandal. He said he could be fully supportive of a request for dispensation in those circumstances. I considered this, but Lesley did not. For her, we just couldn't move away from the only supports we had, our families and the few friends who stuck by us.

Lesley and I were living together during this time, but we were living chastely. We couldn’t change the sin we had committed. We were determined to follow God’s will for us at this time, and as much as we could, to be faithful to God and his Church in the circumstances we found ourselves.

This is why the decision to enter into a civil marriage was so very, very difficult. We wanted to live according to the teachings of the Church and in communion with her as much as we could. On the other hand, we had Jacob, and we knew that having a stable, married life would be better for him in the long run. The bishop had told me in that initial meeting that he could not support a petition for dispensation for at least 2 years. So we thought I couldn’t request the dispensation until 2008, and then we had no idea how long it would actually take to secure the dispensation and be married in the Church. We did not want to have to wait what we thought at the time would be another 4 to 5 years to have more children. We weighed the decision, prayed about it, and finally decided that we would get married in a civil marriage. We were married at Shelter Gardens on September 22, 2007.

In August of 2008, I made an appointment to see the bishop again. It had been 2 years. He told me at that time that he still felt it was too soon for him to be able to offer his support with the dispensation. He told me that he could not support a request for at least another 10 years. I admit I became angry at this. I told him that I understood his concern about scandal, but there were a group of people out there who were equally as scandalized at the fact that he was refusing to be supportive in my attempts to reconcile with the Church, especially since reconciliation is one of the primary ministries of the Church.

He reiterated that I was free to request the dispensation at any time. I asked how far it would get if he did not give his support in his part of the paperwork sent to Rome. His response was vague.

I prayed over this. I prayed over it for a long time. We moved our membership to St. Andrew’s Parish, Holts Summit, not long after this. We had been attending mass at St. Thomas More Newman Center Parish, Columbia, MO. Fr. Thomas Saucier, OP, who was the pastor there, and the associate pastor at the time, Fr. Joachim, were both awesome, so supportive. Fr. Thomas baptized Caitlin, and we can’t express how grateful we are to him for his welcoming and warmth. Mnsgr. Greg Higley at St. Andrew’s in Holts Summit was just as warm and welcoming. He was the first priest who approached me to ask why I had not submitted a request for dispensation. I told him that the bishop told me that he said he would not support a request for dispensation for at least 10 years. Mnsgr. Higley told me that I must have misunderstood. I said, “No, the bishop was pretty clear.” He encouraged me to go ahead and request the dispensation.

In July of 2009, I met with Mnsgr. Higley briefly at the chancery office. He gave me the questionnaire I would need to fill out, and showed me all the supporting documentation I would need to make my case. I took it, and I sat on it. I did nothing with it until April 2, 2010. Good Friday.

I took off work that day, and spent the day writing and praying over the questions. I kept a crucifix near me as I filled out the form. I realized I wasn’t writing to the bishop, or to some nameless prelate in the Congregation of the Clergy in Rome (who receives and judges the requests). I was writing a letter to Jesus, and in this letter I needed to be totally honest, and ask Him for forgiveness. I finished, and I went to the Good Friday Liturgy. I had folded up the printed out pages. During the liturgy, when I went forward to venerate the cross, I spiritually laid the petition, its outcome, the resentment towards the bishop, and my sin at the feet of the cross. I put it in the mail on my way home.

Fr. Mark Porterfield was assigned to be my advocate and assistant in the process. He was awesome. The petition requires witnesses who knew me prior to and at the time of my ordination. It also requires testimony from those in charge of my formation in the seminary. It also takes a statement from the bishop. The bottom line is the bishop allowed the petition to proceed. I don’t know what he wrote in his part, and probably never will. I don’t have any intention of asking. He didn’t stop it, which I’m sure was in his power. It took nearly a full year to gather all the necessary documentation. My understanding is that the testimony from the seminary was what took the longest to get, but I’m not sure about the details. It was February, 2011, when my request for dispensation finally was sent to Rome.

Then we waited…

And waited…

And waited…

And waited.

Once it was submitted to Rome, there was nothing we could do but wait. I have a lot of non-Catholic friends who couldn’t understand what the big deal was. They also questioned, a lot. One of them asked me explicitly why I wanted to be a member of a Church that obviously didn’t care whether I was a member or not. I was at mass with my brother at one point. He is no longer Catholic, but he went with me to mass at that time at my invitation. When it came time for communion, he asked me why I wasn’t going forward to receive it. I told him I couldn’t because Lesley and I were not married in the Church. He asked me why I continued to go to mass then.

I have 2 answers to these questions. First, at no point have Lesley and I been rejected from the Church. Our participation in the sacramental life of the Church has been limited due to our own sin, and the process it took for us to get reconciled. The Church, which is the Body of Christ, the community of the faithful who share in His life, has welcomed us, forgiven us, and invited us to participate in many ways. Some of them we have been able to do; some of them we haven’t.

Secondly, the reason we continued is simple, the Eucharist and the Sacraments. I know beyond any shadow of a doubt, that the bread and wine truly become the sacramental Body and Blood of Jesus Christ. Even if I couldn’t receive him in Holy Communion, I still wanted to be in his presence. One of my favorite places to pray, even now, is in a Church where the sacrament is placed for adoration. “I will gaze on you in the sanctuary to see your strength and your glory” (Psalm 63:2). I can tell you this now: I will never take for granted Holy Communion ever again.

It has been almost 6 years since Lesley and I received Holy Communion. I received my Dispensation from Holy Orders this past Wednesday of Holy Week. On Easter Sunday, Lesley and I will be allowed to return to the full communion of the Catholic Church, and full participation in the sacramental life of the Church. Rejoice with us! “Just so, I tell you, there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who need no repentance” (Luke 15:7). Rejoice with us!

Due to the nature of our situation, we will not have a large celebration to which everyone can be invited. I wish we could. I wish we could have as big a party here on earth as I know the angels will be having in heaven (Luke 15:10). But you can join us in joy. Say a prayer of thanksgiving to God that we will be able to receive him in Holy Communion.

I began this process on Good Friday 2 years ago. How appropriate in God’s time (Ecclesiastes 3:11) that it comes to completion on Easter Sunday.

Rejoice with us! Give thanks with us! Pray for us!

Rejoice with us!

Friday, March 30, 2012

So What If It's Constitutional?

The Supreme Court just finished hearing the oral arguments from the Solicitor General, who attempted to defend, and the lawyers representing the states that have filed petitions to strike down the Affordable Care Act, colloquially known as Obamacare. At the center of the argument is whether the individual mandate, that all Americans must purchase health insurance, is constitutional. The argument of the government made by the Solicitor General is that it is constitutional under the commerce clause within the constitution.

The Commerce Clause in Article I, Section 8 of the U.S. Constitution, states that “The Congress shall have Power…To Regulate Commerce with Foreign Nations, and among the Several States, and with the Indian Tribes.”

The Solicitor General’s argument is that healthcare is an interstate commerce, and that the individual mandate for people to buy healthcare is a means of regulating that commerce. The idea is by requiring everyone to purchase health insurance, it will keep healthcare costs down, because there will be virtually no one who is uninsured. When a hospital sees someone who is uninsured, the hospital doesn’t get paid for that patient. So they charge more to the person who is insured and who will pay to cover the loss caused by the uninsured. By requiring everyone to be insured, it keeps healthcare costs down for everyone.

Another element is that the requirement that everyone be covered with the same level of insurance (whether an individual actually needs a certain type of insurance or not) keeps the insurance costs down for everyone. By requiring everyone to be covered for birth control costs, everyone pays less for birth control coverage. It doesn’t really matter whether a person needs birth control or even wants it. Lesley and I practice natural family planning (successfully, I might add). Yet, under the mandate, we would be required to pay for birth control coverage. By requiring everyone to pay the same for the cost of coverage for, say, heart disease, it keeps the cost down for those who are at higher risk for heart disease. In other words, the young, healthy athlete who is at minimal risk for heart disease will share the cost of coverage for the overweight, middle aged man with high blood pressure who eats a Culvers Double Bacon Cheeseburger every day for lunch. The fact that the young, healthy athlete is at minimal risk for heart disease is irrelevant, because he may be at risk in the future, and he doesn’t know exactly when that risk may develop.

The Solicitor General argued that this is not creating commerce in order to regulate it because everyone is already in the healthcare market. At some point in your life, you will need some kind of healthcare. So it’s not like they’re forcing you to buy healthcare. You will need it, and you will need to pay for it. By requiring you to get insurance and requiring you to get a certain level of insurance, they are regulating the method of payment of an interstate commerce (healthcare), and therefore keeping the cost of healthcare low for everyone.

That’s the argument.

So these two elements, requiring everyone to have insurance and requiring everyone to have the same level of insurance, whether an individual is at risk for what he or she is required to be covered, is under judicial scrutiny. Let’s assume for a minute that the law stands as constitutional. Personally, I’m hoping and literally praying that it gets struck down, but for arguments sake, let’s pretend that it stands. I think we need to ask the question: Is this really something we want our government to be able to do?

We give the government permission to do what it does. That’s what it means to have a government of the people and by the people. If we give the government permission “to regulate healthcare” under this premise, think about the repercussions.

Everyone is already in the transportation market, whether someone owns a car or not. In other words, everyone at some point in his or her life is going to have to go from point A to point B. You prefer public transportation, and so you don’t even own your own vehicle. Under the reasoning of the Solicitor General (and those who passed this law), the government could require you to purchase “Transportation Insurance,” in case something were to happen to you while you were going from point A to Point B. By requiring everyone to purchase “Transportation Insurance,” the government is making sure that everyone is covered during this commerce activity. Not only can the government require you to purchase “Transportation Insurance,” but they can also require you to purchase “Full Coverage Transportation Insurance,” which is the same insurance that they require people who own their own vehicles to carry. I mean, you know, just because you don’t own a vehicle now, doesn’t mean you won’t buy one in the future. And by distributing the cost over a larger pool, it keeps the costs down for everyone.

Or let’s say the government wants to focus on those who are specifically in the automobile market, you either own a car or are looking to buy a car. The government could say that it wants to regulate your method of payment for a vehicle, so now it’s going to require everyone who owns a vehicle to have a loan on that vehicle. Whether your vehicle is already paid off or not is irrelevant. If it’s already paid off, you are forced to take out a loan against your vehicle. I mean, wouldn’t a few extra thousand dollars in the hands of that many consumers be good for the overall economy? By requiring everyone who owns a vehicle to take out a loan on the vehicle, it redistributes the risk associated with those who are at high risk of defaulting on their loan payments. Everyone will pay less interest on their loans, because the pool of those paying loans will be larger. It’s really irrelevant whether you need a loan to buy a car, it’s better for the majority to make everyone have a car loan because it keeps bank interest down on loans. By doing this, it makes loans more affordable for those at higher risk. Also, the risk of an individual defaulting on the loan payments is irrelevant. If person A defaults on their loan payments, it’s not as a big a blow to the bank because you’ve got persons B through K paying on their loans faithfully.

The same argument could be made for housing, since everyone is in the “shelter market,” because everyone needs shelter. So, from now on, the government is going to regulate the method of payment for housing. You are no longer allowed to rent. You must buy your place of residence. Not only that, you must take out a mortgage for your place of residence. By spreading out the risk of those who would default on the payment among everyone, then the costs are lower for everybody. Right?

The law, in other words, is consistent with what we’ve known about President Obama and the democrats who controlled both houses of congress when it was pushed though congress. It is basically a policy of redistribution of wealth. What the government proposes to do is to make some pay more (those who are low risk, and therefore can get by with minimal or no insurance) in order for others to pay less (those who are at high risk for needing medical care).

You may think that my illustrations are far fetched, but there is a principle of law that needs to be understood: Restrictions in the law must be read restrictively, and permissions in the law must be read permissively. In other words, when something is restricted, it is restricted only in that circumstance, under those conditions. If something is permitted, it is permitted in all circumstances, and under all conditions. If we give permission to the government to regulate “the method of payment for healthcare,” that permission is granted to the government to regulate the method of payment for everything. Permissions are read permissively. Do we want to give the government that permission?

I wish Americans had thought long and hard about this prior to electing President Obama; then we wouldn’t be in this state where so many of our freedoms are being threatened under the guise of “it’s better for everyone.” Maybe we should start thinking about it now, before he gets re-elected, “and will have more flexibility,” as he put it.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Please Don't Vote: A Plea for Our Country's Good

This is an actual assignment and subsequent post in response to the assignment in a forum from an online college course. It was sent to me by a friend who is taking the online college course.

Here is the assignment:

As it points out in the textbook: The family is no longer organized primarily around child rearing (Carter & McGoldrick, 1989). Talk about the struggles of today in the raising of a family. Shouldn't child rearing be the main focus? Why or why not? If child rearing isn't the main focus, what is? How is the raising of a functional family impacted by single parent homes and/or two parent households where both parents work outside the home?

Comment on the old saying, "The best thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother." Additionally, we have all heard the old African proverb that states, "It takes a village to raise a child," but what about the idea that it also takes a family to raise a child. Exhaust the topic.

Here is the response from one of the students:

The troubles today on raising a family today is money and a stable job placement even after so many yrs people still loose there jobs and now it leads the kids to get out of daycare and find someone to watch them while you are in school or at work and if you get laid off you'll have to find a part time job that pays min wage and you will have to work it just to provide for your family and after while it puts a toll on families because money startsto run low and arguments tend to start . I dont think child rearing is the main focus i beleive the whole family should be the rearing some parents end up being sucidial killing themselves over funds and even children just to take the family out of there miseries . I believe that it is hard on both families single or both parents in the home single parents not neccassarily meaning single they raise there child on there own but the other parent does not live with them and some do and the motheres dont want to receive child support on the fathers cause they dont have a job but the dads are out in the streets hustling which that is not a good environment for the kids at all now with both parents working there is a more likley chance to have one working if the other gets laid off but if both loose there job and was saving there 401k then there shouldnt be a problem my opinion you have to have some kind of investment or a good stabaility in order to have a child because then only you have to take care of your child and yourself and if you only have enough for youself then you shouldnt have a child until you can provide for more then yourself .

The best thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother."

Good quote but its very hypercritical i beleive it works both way and you cant force something that is not meant to be the quote should be "The best thing you can do for a strong family is love your children first and gain stability."

village meaning a family well logically saying it does take a family to raise a child but you have to realize a family didnt have a child one person did and family depends on the individuals some families are supportive and others are not some families have passed and there left with themselves and some familes are not stable with money to support you and a child let alone themselves and there households a child is a very important responsibily they needs nourishment, love, affection, trust, honesty, unconditional love, support, and child is not a part time responsibilty its a full time and no matter if you get tired or feel out lost dont give up

This is the end of the post.

Incomprehensible.

The person who wrote this, a 29 year old woman, is for all practical purposes illiterate.

There is a more fundamental point here: the connection between language and one’s ability to think critically. This person’s language skills are minimal. The person cannot organize a phrase, much less a sentence. The individual who wrote this is trying to provide a critical analysis of the topic, but her thoughts are so disjointed and convoluted as to be incomprehensible and self-contradictory. I believe that this individual’s inability to write coherently is directly related to her inability to think critically. After all, we think in language.

I wish this were an isolated incident. In my graduate work at Lincoln University, I was often dumbfounded at how others managed to pass the various classes we had. Their work was not all that different than this, and that was graduate level, people who had graduated from college with a bachelor degree and were pursuing a master degree. I eventually decided that I should not hold resentment about this, because I was not in school for their education, but mine. What I learned and how I applied myself was independent of what they learned and how they applied themselves. I would only worry about me.

I wonder, though, about education today. The ability to write a sentence seems insignificant, something we take for granted. Our ability to use language, however, is not insignificant. It is foundational to our ability to think critically. The woman who wrote this has been able to attain a level of education that allows her to participate in a college level course. She cannot write a sentence, basic noun/verb agreement. I would argue that she cannot think critically because of her inability to use language coherently.

But she can vote.

This isn’t a commentary on liberal vs. conservative. I have no idea what her political persuasion is. I don’t care. I’m going to go out on a limb here and probably draw a lot of criticism, but I think this woman should not be allowed to vote. Thomas Jefferson is attributed as saying, “The greatest threat to our democracy is an uneducated citizenry.”

Alexander de Tocqueville wrote in “Democracy in America” that tyranny in America would not come in the same form as tyranny in Europe, through an unassailable monarchy. He stated that tyranny in America would occur when an ideological group gains control over the means of education and information disbursement (newspapers during his time). He argued what would happen is that only information that the ideologues wanted learned and disbursed would be taught and reported, and so people would not be given the tools they need to think critically about what the government is doing, or even about who we elect to the government. Lack of education and information would lead to an uninformed electorate, which in turn would lead to the ideological group gaining and maintaining power not through violence, but through the consent of the ignorant masses. As long as those who are unable to think critically would be allowed to participate, then the ideologues would maintain control and govern with impunity.

I am honestly fearful about what is happening in our country and around the world today. Our government has supported the “Arab Spring,” which has resulted in a terrorist organization with the stated purpose of destroying Israel, The Muslim Brotherhood, to obtain power in significant Middle Eastern countries. Our government continues to squabble over energy production, while my family’s gas and grocery bills have increased significantly over the last month, and not because we are buying more. We are actually buying less at this time at the grocery market because our grocery bills have gone up so much. We are buying less, but still spending more. Our nation’s debt is at the tipping point, and we will be bankrupt if we do not stop the outrageous government spending. At this time, you could tax every working American for every penny that they earn, and still not be able to pay off the national debt.

I don’t want people who are uninformed and cannot even organize their thoughts into a coherent structure to be able to vote. If you can’t move from point A to point B to point C in something as simple as the writing assignment that is demonstrated at the beginning of this post, please don’t vote this year. I cannot stop you, but I will beg you. Stay home on election day, and leave the fate of our country in the hands of people who can actually think. Please.

The irony is, people who can't think critically won't realize this plea applies to them.

Wednesday, March 07, 2012

The Systemic Problem in Government Assistance Programs

The first thing you need to know is that this is not a scientifically researched article. This article, instead, is a reflection based on my personal experience of having worked for several years in Medicaid/Medicare funded programs with those receiving social security benefits for disability based on mental and physical health problems. This is what I’ve seen. My proof is anecdotal, though my experience does not far differ from what one would find if one were to do a research study.

I had so many misconceptions about “welfare” before I started working in the mental health and substance abuse related fields. Honestly, I was very biased. “People on food stamps don’t want to work.” “People on welfare just want to live off the system.” “I wish I could get paid for doing nothing all day.”

My experience has shown me just how wrong I was.

There are some very specific things that need to be understood before we get too far into this discussion, however. One is the basic difference between Supplemental Security Income (SSI) and Social Security Disability Income (SSDI). When we pay our FICA taxes, that money is like an insurance policy we pay to the government. I’ve been paying these taxes for many years now. If something catastrophic were to happen to me, a vehicle accident that left me disabled, an illness that impaired my ability to work, anything catastrophic that would make it impossible for me to sustain a living, I could apply for disability. If approved, I would receive SSDI. Basically, I would be receiving the benefits for which I have been paying through my taxes. That money is mine, paid to the government as a type of disability insurance. I would be getting back what I’ve paid in.

Supplemental Security Income (SSI) is for those who have not paid enough in taxes to benefit from SSDI. A person with a life-long disability that started in childhood and has never been able to work is an example of someone who would receive SSI. SSDI is based on the amount of taxes a person has paid in to the system. A person may not have paid enough taxes prior to the event that caused the disability to earn enough through SSDI to meet their basic needs. This person’s SSDI payment would be supplemented by SSI. Another possibility is that the person’s disability extends beyond the benefit limit the person paid in taxes. In other words, the person paid enough in taxes to earn SSDI for 5 years, but the disability the person suffered is life-long. SSDI will run out in 5 years, so the person will only receive SSDI for 5 years, and then be moved to an SSI income. So SSDI is based on our taxes paid. SSI is government provision of a cost of living income. This is what is traditionally thought of as “the welfare check.”

Another factor that should be considered is the intention of these government based assistance programs as compared to the results of how these programs are designed.

The intention of these programs is noble. Provide cost of living income and health insurance benefits to those who cannot provide these things for themselves due to disability. On the surface, this seems to echo the biblical teaching about caring for the poor, the sick, the lame and the orphans. On the surface this is the intent, to help people who need help.

The design of these programs and the outcome that is produced, however, do not follow the intent. The result of the design of these programs is that people are kept in poverty. They are kept, because of the system meant to help them, in a situation in which they are unable to help themselves. In other words, the design of these programs deepens a person’s dependency on the programs, rather than helping people become independent and able to care for themselves.

An example of a way that these programs deepen a person’s poverty, rather than help lift someone out of poverty can be seen in the regulations regarding limits of how much money a person can have and still qualify for benefits. When a person applies for benefits, they will receive what is called a back pay. The back pay is based on the date of application. Let’s say for whatever reason, a person gets denied disability, and then goes through the appeal process. The appeal process could take more than 2 years, during which time the person is living off of other people, because they are unable to have an income of their own. The person, after waiting 2 years, then gets approved through the appeal process. The back pay is based on the date of application, which means the person then receives a back pay equal to the amount of what the monthly SSI/SSDI income would have been if they had been receiving it all along. Le’s say a person’s monthly income is established at $950.00 per month. The person had to wait 2 years through the appeal process. The person then would get $950.00 times 24 months, or a back payment of $22,800 tax free.

According to the regulations guiding disability income, the person is not allowed to have more than $1,000.00 in savings, and can only receive a monthly income of a formulized amount before their SSDI/SSI income is reduced. In reality, the person who receives a back pay of $22,800 has about six months to get rid of that $22,800. If they don’t spend the money, they lose their monthly income allowance and insurance benefits, and have to start the process again nearly from step 1.

I used to get so angry while at the Samaritan Center, a local food pantry in Jefferson City. The people driving up to get free food would have the latest iPhone, a heck of a nice car, some obviously new designer clothes, and all kinds of other expensive things. Then I realized that these items were probably purchased with their back pay. The way the regulations are set up demand that a person blow thousands of dollars in a very short period of time or lose their long term benefits and end up at square one.

Then I began to feel badly for these people. In about a year, that really nice car would be rotting in a parking lot because the person would not be able to afford the long term costs of maintenance, insurance, licensing and gas to keep the car running. If they sold the car for what it is worth, they would have to report that money as income, and then have their monthly income and insurance benefits cut. That iPhone would be disconnected in 6 months to a year with a back balance on the phone bill that the person would be unable to pay. I would visit people’s homes as a case manager and see a brand new 57 inch LCD TV, surround sound, and the latest and greatest video game console on the market. When I realized these items were probably purchased with SSDI/SSI back pay, I realized that in 6 months to a year the person would have very fancy paperweights, because they would be struggling to keep the electricity turned on in the home.

The question could be asked why someone wouldn’t spend this money on buying some cheap property, for example a mobile home. The reason is because any property related to housing, a mobile home, a house, is considered an asset that is taken into consideration when a person has benefits renewed. In other words, if a person owns his or her own home, his or her benefits will be reduced, because the government considers that he or she could sell their home to pay for some things themselves.

People are paid these large amounts of money, and then told that if they use it responsibly, put it in savings for the future, plan for retirement, buy a home, or use it systematically over a long period of time, they will lose their meager income and insurance benefits and ultimately end up in a worse situation than they were in before the back pay is awarded. The system is designed to keep people from being able to save.

Another example of how the system is designed to keep people in poverty despite the intent of “helping people better their situation” is in the way the government manages the insurance benefits. The insurance benefits that people receive are based on their level of income. A person can have an income at a level that exceeds the amount that Medicaid/Medicare approve. In this case, the person is assigned what is called “a spend down”. In other words, the person does have Medicaid/Medicare insurance, but is assigned a formulaic price that could be considered a copay for their healthcare costs. Sounds reasonable, right? The devil is in the details.

The threshold at which a person would start paying copays (known as “spend downs” in the Medicaid/Medicare system) is roughly $750.00 to $800.00. So let’s take our example of the person above, who is awarded $950.00 per month in SSDI due to a disability the person sustained. He must spend out of his own income $200.00 per month on medical costs before Medicaid will pay for any of his medical bills. This reduces his monthly income to $750.00. The copay is based on whatever amount a person receives over the threshold limit. I worked with a couple who had a monthly income of about $3,000.00 between them. He had a long military history, and received military pension, but was disabled not related to military service. She was disabled, as well, and received SSI income, because she had no work history, having been a military wife and stay at home mom throughout her adulthood. Their monthly Medicaid/Medicare spend down was $2,250.00 per month. That’s how much they would need to pay out of pocket before Medicaid/Medicare would cover any medical expenses every month. People are disincentivized from making more money than the threshold limit, because they know that any medical costs are going to drop them to the threshold limit, and they will be in the same position.

Now, take our person who is disabled and is already required to pay $200.00 per month in his medical care for medication that makes him stable enough to be able to work. If he were to go to work and make over a certain amount of money, his monthly income would be reduced based on how much money he is making. There are limits to how much monthly income a person can make and still receive their income benefits. With these limits, people are disincentivized from making more money and improving their situation, because they wouldn’t be able to afford the healthcare costs that keep them stable enough to work to improve their situation. They are trapped. They can continue in a poverty level of care with government benefits in order to stay emotionally and physically stable. That’s Choice A. Or, Choice B, they can work hard, bring themselves out of the poverty level of existence they experience with government benefits, but lose the ability to afford the very things that have made it possible for them to succeed, the necessary things like medication, medical care, counseling, and other supports provided through insurance.

The intent of the system is to give people the necessary things they need to better their life situation. The design of the system, however, keeps people in poverty and makes them fearful of success, because they would not be able to continue to provide for themselves the very things that have made them stable and able to succeed. It is a problem in the design of the system.

I want to say something quickly about the recent legislation requiring drug screens in order to maintain benefits. I supported this legislation…initially. My thinking was, I have to be drug tested for my job. If I were to come up positive on a drug screen, I would lose my livelihood. So why shouldn’t those who are on government benefits need to submit to drug screens, as well, right?

This sounds perfectly reasonable, until you consider that one thing that people addicted to drugs are really good at is urine diversion to beat drug screens. This is going to be a monumental waste of resources by the government. In order to ensure that urine is not diverted to beat these drug screens, the people would have to submit to observed drug screens, saliva tests, or hair follicle tests. There will have to be people paid by the government to do this. It will have to happen in semi-sterile, laboratory settings that will include the cost of managing and disposing of biohazard material. It will involve tax payer dollars covering the cost of testing and processing the drug screen samples, whether it be urine, saliva, or hair tests. The cost of the drug screens, which will produce false results because those using drugs know how to beat the drug screens, will outweigh the benefit to society that the intent of this practice is meant to accomplish. Once again, the intent, to make sure that those receiving government benefits are not using those benefits to obtain illicit substances (“I don’t want my tax dollars used to support somebody’s crack habit.”) is a good intent. The problem is in the design. The design creates a greater expense of time, money and resources that requires tax payer dollars, and will not produce benefits that will outweigh the cost. It won’t work, but at least it’ll cost a lot of money. Typical government logic.

The amount of money people are awarded for SSDI/SSI is minimal. It is a cost of living income. The low amount of income, when we hear it, sometimes makes us gasp. We hear that a person receives only $694.00 per month, and we feel awful that this person has so little to meet his or her needs. One thing we need to understand is that while people who receive SSDI/SSI may only be receiving $694.00 per month, all recipients of SSDI/SSI are automatically qualified for Medicaid, and eventually Medicare. At this low income, they are below the threshold for having a spend down, and so all medical care (excluding minimal amounts for prescriptions, which usually have a $0.25 to $0.50 copay), is free. They don’t pay for their insurance, nor do they have to pay copays for doctors’ visits. This low amount o f income also qualifies them for housing assistance.

The way housing assistance works is that they are allowed to have a pre-approved apartment, with the cost of rent subsidized by the Housing Authority. They get rental assistance, and only need to pay a fraction of what the actual cost of rent is. Their payment portion is determined on a sliding scale basis, which considers their income and other expenditures, like car payments, telephone payments, electricity and utility bills, etc. The cost of rent of people with whom I’ve worked in my years as a case manager ranged from $0.00 to $125.00. The only people who had to pay more were people who had been disqualified from receiving housing assistance for various reasons (felony conviction or failure to meet their obligation of their portion of rent in the past are 2 reasons why someone may be disqualified). For the vast majority, the rent is a small portion of their income.

Due to low income, many of the individuals with whom I worked were also eligible for utility assistance if they were in a private apartment from various programs like the Community Action Centers. In public housing, utilities are included. Now here’s how this worked. The people with whom I worked did not actually have to pay their utility bills in order to be eligible for rental assistance from Housing Authority. They only had to show how much their utility bills cost. So a person would get subsidized rental assistance based on the amount of their utility bills, then go to Community Action Centers and other organizations to get money to pay utility costs. In other words, they were getting assistance based on a bill that they would not have to pay. My clients were masters at understanding all of this, and used these kinds of design flaws to their benefit. Who wouldn’t? I know when Lesley and I fill out our taxes, we look for every loophole we can find to get as much back from the tax system as we can. These people on assistance were doing the same thing, just in a different system.

The majority of people who receive SSDI/SSI are also eligible for EBT cards, colloquially known as food stamps. There are a large number of food pantries to which people of low income have access, as well. I worked with my clients on learning to use their EBT cards for purchases when they received them. The cards were awarded money at the beginning of each month. We would, at the beginning of each month, develop a grocery list of items they would need for about 2 weeks. They would buy these 2 weeks worth of groceries. At the beginning of the 3rd week, we would visit the various food pantries in the area, which usually provided about another 2 weeks worth of groceries. A person could eat for a full month, and never pay anything out of his or her own income, unless it was an item that they decided they wanted in the middle of the cycle we had developed.

The bottom line is, when we hear that people are receiving very low amounts of income in SSDI/SSI, we need to remember that for the majority of people receiving SSDI/SSI, their income is mostly disposable. “Disposable income” is that money we have each month that is not “earmarked” for bills, house payments, medical costs, and other necessary expenses. It’s basically the amount of money we have to blow on whatever we want. The majority of their money is disposable because the government assistance programs in their various forms are designed in such a way that they provide most of the necessities of a person’s life. I worked with several clients on budgeting, looking at their monthly bills. After working with several of them, and coming to an amount of disposable income each month, I went and looked at Lesley’s and my income. When I was doing this social service work, I realized that my clients had more disposable income per month than Lesley and I did, even though our monthly income was 3 to 4 times the amount of my clients’ incomes.

The entitlement or social assistance programs are noble in intent. We all want to help people who are struggling. By design, these systems do not help people in the long run. By design, these programs do meet people’s immediate, basic needs for housing, food, warmth, and medical care. By design, however, once someone enters into the social assistance programs, it becomes harder for them to get out. They are punished for using their finances responsibly by saving for the future or buying a home. They are disincentivized from working because if their income exceeds the threshold amounts, they lose the very supports that have made them physically and/or mentally stable enough to work. The systems are designed to allow people to double dip in benefits to maximize the disposability of their monthly income. The design of the system is highly flawed.

If social assistance programs are going to work, it is going to take a systemic change in the way they are designed. The systems will need to be designed in such a way that a person is rewarded for being responsible with their money. The systems will need to encourage people to work. Working is not a curse. The clients that I felt did the best in recovery were the ones whose benefits were low enough that they could obtain employment where they worked 10 to 15 hours per week (which, because of their low benefits, would keep their income below the threshold limit). It gave them a sense of purpose and accomplishment, and did wonders for their self-esteem.

The entire system needs to be changed. Currently, nearly 46% of the population of the United States is receiving some kind of entitlement benefit. This is unsustainable. We will be bankrupt as a nation if we don’t change the system. I want to help those who need help. I don’t think a government run system is the way to help them.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Radical Acceptance

So many people have made comments to me about how strong I am for the way I am dealing with Nathaniel’s illnesses (his hemophilia and lung problems). They’ve said the same things to Lesley. The difference is, though, that she really is strong. Me? Well…
I’m just too weak to fight with it.

Nathaniel is very sick. Even as I type this, he’s back in the hospital due to his heavy congestion. Maybe he’s not quite over the cold that sent him to the hospital last week. When we catch a cold, our lungs produce mucus that we expel to push the virus causing the cold out of our bodies. Nathaniel’s lungs, for whatever reason, are not expelling that mucus. The mucus builds up and builds up and builds up and slowly causes his lungs not to work in keeping his blood oxygen saturation at a healthy level. Dealing with this is not strength.

I’ve stuck Nathaniel on 2 different occasions, and plan on doing so again soon. I mean that I’ve put the needle into the subcutaneous port in order to infuse the blood clotting factor. I did the whole process from wiping the counter down with Clorox disinfecting wipes to make the area sterile to putting on the band aid to throwing everything away when we’re done. This is not strength, either.

I’ve had to explain to Jacob and Caitlin on many different occasions why they cannot jump on the bed or on the floor or on the couch next to him. If they were to trip and fall on him, it could cause an internal bleed that could kill him. Not strength.

What is it then?

I think I call it acceptance. This is what we do now. We take Nathaniel to the hospital when he can’t breathe. That’s just what we do. We give him his blood clotting factor. It’s a shot 3 times a week. We balance keeping him safe from his very active brother and sister with trying to make sure they know that they can touch him, love on him, and have fun with him. That’s our daily lives.

It doesn’t take strength, unless it’s the strength of acceptance. But really, accepting reality doesn’t take a heck of a lot of strength either. I’ve always found fighting reality is a lot harder than accepting it. This is kind of my approach to exercise really. I know the dumbbell’s heavy. I can accept that and move on. I don’t need to lift it to know it’s going to be hard to lift. Lifting it takes strength. I’m a very weak, out of shape person, but I accept that.

I know that it’s going to be hard to cope with Nathaniel’s illnesses. Fighting with illness takes more strength than accepting that it’s going to be hard. So often we compound our own difficulties by thinking that life should not be difficult, or wondering why this is happening to me, or grumbling about the fact that life is unfair.

Life is hard enough without making it worse by feeling bad about the fact that it’s hard. Getting angry about the fact that life is hard won’t really help the situation, either. The first of the four noble truths of Buddhism is that life is suffering. Once we accept that, life gets a little easier; because we stop fighting so much when suffering comes. Actually, it’s one of the first things Christians know about being a fallen human in a fallen world. God told Eve, in pain she would bring forth children. And to Adam, the Lord said, “By the sweat of your brow shall you get bread to eat.” Life isn’t paradise in the garden anymore. We and the world are fallen from that perfect state of creation, so we suffer.

The real trick is to accept suffering. It’s an incontrovertible consequence of our fallen state. We suffer because of original sin. What makes so much conflict in our lives is that we don’t want to accept suffering. That doesn’t mean that if I get sick I should just lay down and die. When I get a headache, I take Advil. I also know that until the Advil really kicks in, my head is going to hurt. Getting upset about that and irritable with those around me is not going to make my head hurt any less.

If I were to get cancer, I would get treatment. I would also accept the fact that I’m probably going to feel like crap from the cancer and the treatment. That’s part of the process. I would also, if it were to come to that eventually, accept the fact that all treatment has been done and there is nothing left to do. I would accept the inevitability of my own death, and make preparations. Getting mad about it; getting sad about it; being a jerk about it is not going to help the situation.

Nathaniel has hemophilia. We accept that. That doesn’t mean we let it go and hope for the best. We provide him the necessary assistance to manage it so that it will be as unobtrusive to his life as possible. We accept that, too. Nathaniel’s lungs are weak. He cannot expel the mucus that builds up in them if he catches a cold. What can I do about that? Getting mad doesn’t change the reality that this dumbbell is heavy to lift. I accept it. Jacob has to wear a patch over his eye for at least 8 weeks. I hope to teach him to accept reality as it is. We do what we have to do to manage reality. Getting mad, embarrassed, shy, sad, or upset is not going to change the fact that this is what we have to do.

In a lot of ways, Nike had it right.

Just do it.

In the end, it brings me back to Job. After losing his children, his livestock, his servants, and everything he had, the Lord then allowed Satan to strike him with an illness causing severe boils. His wife told him that he should just “Curse God and die!” (Man, I’ve wanted to say that to a few people in my time.)

“But he said to her, ‘You speak as foolish women do. We accept good things from God; should we not accept evil?’ Through all this, Job did not sin in what he said.” Job 2:10.

Ultimately, it is not strength that helps me bear up under trials. It is acceptance.

Saturday, January 07, 2012

Perfect Love Drives Out Fear

I’ve been thinking of 1 John 4:18 a lot lately. A lot of people are familiar with part of this verse, “Perfect love drives out fear.” That’s not the entire verse, though.

“There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear because fear has to do with punishment, and so one who fears is not yet perfect in love.”

Too often, when things happen like what has happened with my family and Nathaniel, it gets interpreted as a punishment. It was a question that I know has crossed both Lesley’s and my mind, “What did we do to deserve this?” The question, “Why is God doing this to us?” is much like it, often asked out of a sense that God is heaping troubles on us because we did something, even unknowingly, to deserve it. Even the question, "Why would God let this happen?" suggests the idea that God, although passively, has something to do with the cause of our suffering. Many people have that image of God as the punisher, wreaking vengeance for everything in our lives we’ve done that’s wrong.

If we believe that God’s love is perfect, this is unacceptable. In an earlier post, I discuss the biblical Truth that all suffering is a result of original sin. Nathaniel’s hemophilia and lung problems are due to the fact that we are separated from God while we live in this world. They are not punishments from God.

I have no need to fear, because I am doing the best I can to remain in right relationship with the God who loves me. Is my love perfect, as 1 John 4:18 requires? No, but God’s love is. I’ve moved past the being angry at God phase of all that's happened over the last six months. I’d be lying if I said I haven’t been angry with Him. In faith, though, I know that He is the source of everything good that has kept Nathaniel alive. How can I be angry with a God who has been so active, even before Nathaniel was born, in giving us what we’ve needed to enjoy him in our lives?

It wasn't easy moving beyond the anger I felt for what God allowed to happen to my little boy. It took a great deal of faith and reflection. God's permissive will allows suffering, because for him to remove suffering would be for him to rescind his gift of free will. God passively allows suffering, because it is the result of original sin, the consequence of humanity's choice as a whole to separate ourselves from Him. God actively works to be there with us through our suffering, though, so that we can lean on Him for wisdom, awe, reverence, strength, understanding courage and knowledge. (Get that, the gifts of the Holy Spirit). God joins us in our suffering so that we can experience "the peace that surpasses understanding" (Phillipians 4:7).

God has not left us in our pain. God joins us in our suffering. That's the meaning of the cross of Jesus Christ.

Hemophilia is not a punishment. Nathaniel, certainly, is not.

One of the most important things I know as a parent is that my children’s self-concept is formed by my belief in them. If I think of my children as cursed, as their hardships as punishments, their needs as awkward, their quirks as weird, however you want to put it, that’s what they are going to think of themselves. Children do not know what to think about themselves. Whether it’s something as simple as Jacob needing to wear a “pirate patch” because he has anisometropia and anisometropic amblyopia (the doctors' fancy way of saying his left eye sees better than his right eye), or something as complex as managing Nathaniel’s hemophilia, they will form their thoughts about it according to the way Lesley and I think about it.

If we make out that it’s weird and awkward that Jacob has to wear a patch for a few weeks to correct his vision, he’s going to believe that HE IS weird and awkward. I prefer to think of it as kind of cool. He’s got a doctor’s order to be a pirate for the next 2 months. If truth be told, I'm a little bit jealous.

If we think of ourselves or Nathaniel as being punished by God because Nathaniel has hemophilia, even if I never say a word about it to him, he’s going to develop a sense that HE IS a punishment to us, a curse to us. I prefer to think of him as a gift. That’s what he really is.

God gave him to us, and… “If you then, who are wicked, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good things to those who ask him” (Matthew 7:11). Nathaniel is our “gift from God.”

And so are Jacob and Caitlin.

Perfect love casts out fear, because I don’t need to be afraid of being punished. I don’t love my God perfectly, but I believe in His perfect love. And I believe in His desire to help my love for Him to grow. After all, “God is love” (1 John 4:8). So while I cannot trust that a gene on an X chromosome won't mutate to cause a life long, difficult to manage illness in an infant, I can trust that God will be there next to me and Lesley and, more importantly, next to Nathaniel, for as long as he has to manage it. I can't trust that Nathaniel's lungs will ever be healed, but I can trust that God's breath of life will lift him up for eternity.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Parenting a "Normal" Sibling of a Special Needs Child

Jacob had his kindergarten check-up a couple of weeks ago. Healthy as a horse, of course. He had to get his 5 year old vaccinations, but no big deal. Lesley said he was a real trooper and didn’t even cry. Except a couple of days later when he went up to Lesley and announced, “Mom, I think I caught hemophilia from my shots.”

Jacob has put together shots with hemophilia, because “shots” is the word that we have been using to describe the thrice weekly infusions that Nathaniel needs to receive.

The word “thrice” should be used more often.

It seems to me a very natural connection in the mind of a 5 year old. “Getting shots” is the treatment for hemophilia. If Jacob received shots, he must have hemophilia, too. Since he didn’t have it before he got the shots, but he got shots anyway, then he must have gotten it from the shots. Makes perfect sense.

Jacob’s been the victim of another illness that we’ve called “Hezafaken Syndrome.” The symptoms are being able to breathe out, but not in, itchy spots under his feet, ear wax effusing from the ears, and being so sick that he cannot even muster the energy to run a fever. He’s had this and several other variants on multiple occasions over the last month or so.

Jacob has been more and more protesting that he is sick or that he has some other malady that demands immediate attention.

Caitlin has been showing some interesting behaviors, too. She used to be highly independent. She did not want us to help her do anything. Now, she wants to be carried through the store, sit on our laps at dinner time, drink out of “sippy cups,” and she has been exhibiting all kinds of physical injuries for which she needs band aids, Dora or Disney Princess preferred, thank you very much.

We’ve spent so much time over Nathaniel: the hospitalization, the subsequent pulmonary problems, the bleeds (averaging 2 per week in November) that required all of those hospital visits, the surgery earlier this month and the hospital check-ups since then, and now the thrice weekly (there it is again) visits from April, our home health nurse, to give him the infusions of blood clotting factor.

Jacob actually confessed at one point that he was feeling left out of our family.

I think I know the source of Hezafaken Syndrome. I don’t think it’s hard to figure out Caitlin’s new found clinginess.

Nathaniel’s physical health needs have demanded so much attention from both Lesley and me that Jacob and Caitlin are responding by “being sick,” being needy, reverting to what could be considered a younger stage of development when they are with us. They are increasing their need for us.

Lesley and I have tried to keep them involved. We want them to be around when Nathaniel’s receiving his infusions and breathing treatments. Caring for Nathaniel’s physical health will be a normal part of our lives, and we want Jacob and Caitlin to experience it as just what we do. We’ve even employed them to help out, especially with the breathing treatments where keeping things sterile is not as important (compared to the sterile environment necessary for the infusions). We ask them to help with Nathaniel’s bath time and changing diapers as a means of keeping them involved.

I’ve realized that’s a cop out.

The fact is if we ask them to help us give Nathaniel a breathing treatment or change a diaper or give a bath, we’re still focusing the attention on Nathaniel, not them. We praise Jacob and Caitlin for helping, giving them all kinds of affirmation about what a good big brother and big sister they are. But even that’s about Nathaniel. They’re good because they’re a good provider for Nathaniel. That doesn’t make them good in their own right, good just for being themselves.

That’s not to say we don’t want them involved in these things. We want them to be a good big brother and big sister. We cannot replace the attention they require, however, by only including them in activities involving Nathaniel. One thing we were told when we first learned that Nathaniel has hemophilia is that our lives should not revolve around his illness. It’s very hard not to let that happen, even in the way we parent our other children.

For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been taking Jacob out, just him and me once a week. He’s usually satisfied with going to McDonald’s for supper and then running an errand. We did some Christmas shopping the last time we went out. One on one, just the two of us. Interestingly, his symptoms seem to be abating a bit. We’ve switched his Wii day to the days when April comes. Usually, he can get so focused on the game he’s playing, that we can take care of the infusion and he hardly notices that April is there.

I’ve been spending more time with Caitlin, too. She has preferred my company lately to Lesley’s, becoming something of a daddy’s girl much to Lesley’s chagrin. She wants me to cuddle with her as she goes to sleep at night, wants to sit on my lap during supper, and wants to play Candy Land and Shoots and Ladders with me. I give her as much attention as I can.

Lesley, likewise, has been making more of an effort to meet with and be with Jacob and Caitlin in their own right. This is something about which Lesley and I have talked a lot. We are trying to let Jacob be Jacob, and to know that is pretty awesome. We want Caitlin to be Caitlin, and to know that she is beautiful and good because she is Caitlin.

I want Jacob and Caitlin to know that they are good in and of themselves, not only in their relationship with Nathaniel. Lesley and I want Jacob and Caitlin to know that they are important to us because they are important to us. Lesley and I want Jacob and Caitlin to know that we love them deeply, just as much as we love Nathaniel, not because of what they do for Nathaniel.

I don’t want Jacob and Caitlin growing up with resentment towards their brother because he got all the attention, or believing that they need to be sick in order to get attention themselves.

So, Nathaniel demands A LOT of attention. And we have 2 other beautiful children who need attention, too. And it is very easy to let the 2 other beautiful children “take care of themselves” in favor of Nathaniel’s immediate needs.

This is not an easy problem to solve. It’s one of those that demands moment by moment awareness. It’s one that requires that we as parents be in tune with the subtle (and sometimes not so subtle) cues our children give us. It’s one that requires faith.

I go back to what I wrote in an earlier post. I’m becoming more and more aware of my own inadequacy as a parent. I don’t know what my children need all the time. So I walk by faith. I believe that God will guide Lesley and me. I believe that God has given us all 3 of our children as beautiful gifts. I believe He will not abandon us to walk this road alone.

Lesley and I know that we need to address Jacob and Caitlin as Jacob and Caitlin, not merely as Nathaniel’s big brother and big sister. Doing that, with Nathaniel’s special health needs, is very hard, time consuming, and sometimes exhausting. Jacob and Caitlin are worth the effort, though.

I mean, they’re a couple of pretty freakin’ awesome kids.