Have Spirituality, Will Travel (or Why Bikers Make Good Gurus)

I’m reading a really good book referred to me by my good friend Fr. Tom Pastorius called, “The Spirituality of Imperfection.” The authors Earnest Kurtz and Katherine Ketcham explore how the fundamental principles of recovery that were expressed by Bill W. and Dr. Bob, the founders of Alcoholics Anonymous, are rooted in ancient Christian, Jewish, Buddhist, and Muslim spiritual traditions. The book uses stories about and sayings from the spiritual masters of these traditions to deepen the understanding of such principles of recovery as rigorous honesty, release, gratitude, humility, tolerance, and forgiveness. I’ve gotten a lot out of it.

The authors do a really good job of describing different paradigms of spirituality, describing spirituality by the use of different images. The image they like the best is that spirituality is a pilgrimage. In our spiritual lives, we are pilgrims in the ancient sense of the word. We are trying to get to a holy place where we will experience total healing of all of our defects. We are not there yet, and so we still struggle along the way. And since none of our companions on the journey are there yet either, they still struggle along the way, too. Being patient with my struggles and the struggles of others is essential for the success of the pilgrimage.

There is one description of this idea of pilgrimage, however, that I would change. They describe our spiritual journey as being “open-ended.” By this, they mean that there are so many turns in the road and various events along the way, that as people on the spiritual pilgrimage, we can’t ever be locked in to one way of experiencing things or one way of doing things. I believe this is true, but I would not use the word “open-ended” to describe this concept.

Open-ended suggests that there is no identifiable end or goal to which we come on our spiritual pilgrimage. There is, though. The end or the goal is spiritual unity and integrity. A person may be Buddhist, and seeking the emptying of self to find ultimate unity with all things through the cycles of birth and death. A person may believe in one of the 3 monotheistic religions, Christianity, Judaism, or Islam. In this case, the person is seeking union with the divine. The end of our spiritual pilgrimage is unity, so the idea of the spiritual pilgrimage as being “open-ended” doesn’t quite fit.

I think the idea that our spiritual pilgrimage occurs on an “open-road” better describes our journey than the idea that the journey is “open-ended.” Biker’s understand this concept, which is why bikers make good gurus for the spiritual journey.

When a biker plans a road trip, he looks at a map to make sure that he is going the right direction. From Missouri, he figures he needs to go northwest to get to Hollister, CA. He wants to make sure he’s going west. He figures on how fast he wants to get there, and that helps him decide whether to stick to the state highways or hit the super slabs (interstates). So he picks a road going in the direction he’s headed. The biker knows, though, deep in his soul, that he can’t control the road. He can’t control what may or may not happen to his bike along the way. He can’t even control whether or not he’s even gonna make it.

The biker accepts this reality. He doesn’t try to control what he has no power over. The deer jumping out of the woods. The idiots in their cages (that’s a biker term for cars, trucks, anything that you ride in and not on) who “just didn’t see him.” The mechanics of his bike as they vibrate and rumble down the road.

Oh, there are things he can do to help him as he goes along. He’s mindful of not just the road in front of him, but of all the beauty and dangers that lay along the side of the road. He’s constantly scanning all around him. This allows him to see any dangers along the way, but it also opens his vision to the amazing beauty that most people drive right by. He’s aware of the other drivers on the road, especially the ones who are cooped up in their cages, busy texting, flipping through the radio stations, or nodding off because they’re so comfortable. He lets these other drivers be distracted and tired and hurried. He isn’t interested in changing them, but he may need to react because of them. He learns the mechanisms of his bike and carries the basic tools he needs, so that if something does happen to his ride he can do at least a quick fix on the side of the road until he can get someplace where a more serious repair can happen.

There’s a poem I wrote sometime ago that catches this concept:

Grace

I now accept the road and all it sends:

Its rocks and sand; its potholes and its bends.

I now receive the sun and rain and winds.

Reluctantly, I, too, embrace its ends.

I put my faith in this machine I ride.

On these two wheels, there is no place to hide.

It lives in me, and I in it abide.

In bolts and gears, rod and shaft I confide.

I know me, like a too familiar song.

I know just how far I can ride, how long.

I know the places where I can go wrong.

I know myself, where I am weak and strong.

When road, the ride, and rider become one

Are Peace and Grace and then the trip’s begun.

The biker accepts the reality that while he can plan the trip, he has no control over its twists and turns.

The biker lives in a constant state of spiritual pilgrimage:

Accepting life on life’s terms, and don’t try to make it into something its not.

Honesty…bikers usually aren’t afraid to tell you what they think, and reject automatically anything that is insincere, which they can smell out like a pig sniffing truffles.

Integrity: you’ll find in the biker community, a person’s only as good as his word.

Release, because it’s useless to try to control those things over which I have no power.

Humility…bikers are usually “what you get is what you see” kind of people.

Gratitude for the journey. If you listen to any biker story about a biker trip, you will hear that deep, ineffable kind of gratitude for everything that happened along the way, including the hardships encountered.

Tolerance…Biker’s live by the words, “Don’t tread on me.” Bikers will be the first to go to battle for your right to do whatever you feel like you need to do. They get a little testy when people try to limit or draw a box around them. Bikers recognize that people are both free and fallible, which makes them pretty tolerant of others.

Forgiveness, a biker may never speak to you again if you break his trust, but he won’t hold on to that resentment. He just won’t deal with you at all. That’s not unforgiving, it’s accountability.

The principles of spirituality outlined in “The Spirituality of Imperfection” come naturally to bikers, because they touch the very heart of the biker culture. Reading this book, I felt that harmony that truth resonates in our deepest hearts when we hear it. It put words to things that I was thinking, and gave clarity to some of my aspirations.

This is a good book for anybody on the spiritual pilgrimage of life.

Rejoice and Be Glad! Rejoice with us!

In July, 2006, I informed the bishop that I had been in a relationship with Lesley and that she had become pregnant with my child. We discussed various options I had at the time. The bishop told me that I was free to request the dispensation from Holy Orders at any time, but he told me that if I remained in the diocese, he would not be able to support my petition for a Dispensation from Holy Orders for at least 2 years. A Dispensation from Holy Orders is what is necessary for a man who was ordained a priest to be dispensed from his promises he made during the time of his ordination of celibacy and obedience to the bishop.

The bishop felt that if I received a dispensation so quickly after having left the priesthood, it would cause scandal to the faithful. One must understand the Church’s definition of “scandal” in order to understand what the bishop meant by this. “Scandal” in the Church’s definition means anything that causes the faithful to wonder or to question the legitimacy of the teachings of the faith. By being dispensed immediately after having left the priesthood, the bishop was afraid that it would cause a perception among the faithful that getting dispensed from Holy Orders is easy or convenient. The perception could be given that a man could get ordained, and then leave the priesthood, and it’s no big deal.

The bishop did offer another option that Lesley and I move from the diocese. Being somewhere that no one knew us would decrease the possibility of scandal. He said he could be fully supportive of a request for dispensation in those circumstances. I considered this, but Lesley did not. For her, we just couldn't move away from the only supports we had, our families and the few friends who stuck by us.

Lesley and I were living together during this time, but we were living chastely. We couldn’t change the sin we had committed. We were determined to follow God’s will for us at this time, and as much as we could, to be faithful to God and his Church in the circumstances we found ourselves.

This is why the decision to enter into a civil marriage was so very, very difficult. We wanted to live according to the teachings of the Church and in communion with her as much as we could. On the other hand, we had Jacob, and we knew that having a stable, married life would be better for him in the long run. The bishop had told me in that initial meeting that he could not support a petition for dispensation for at least 2 years. So we thought I couldn’t request the dispensation until 2008, and then we had no idea how long it would actually take to secure the dispensation and be married in the Church. We did not want to have to wait what we thought at the time would be another 4 to 5 years to have more children. We weighed the decision, prayed about it, and finally decided that we would get married in a civil marriage. We were married at Shelter Gardens on September 22, 2007.

In August of 2008, I made an appointment to see the bishop again. It had been 2 years. He told me at that time that he still felt it was too soon for him to be able to offer his support with the dispensation. He told me that he could not support a request for at least another 10 years. I admit I became angry at this. I told him that I understood his concern about scandal, but there were a group of people out there who were equally as scandalized at the fact that he was refusing to be supportive in my attempts to reconcile with the Church, especially since reconciliation is one of the primary ministries of the Church.

He reiterated that I was free to request the dispensation at any time. I asked how far it would get if he did not give his support in his part of the paperwork sent to Rome. His response was vague.

I prayed over this. I prayed over it for a long time. We moved our membership to St. Andrew’s Parish, Holts Summit, not long after this. We had been attending mass at St. Thomas More Newman Center Parish, Columbia, MO. Fr. Thomas Saucier, OP, who was the pastor there, and the associate pastor at the time, Fr. Joachim, were both awesome, so supportive. Fr. Thomas baptized Caitlin, and we can’t express how grateful we are to him for his welcoming and warmth. Mnsgr. Greg Higley at St. Andrew’s in Holts Summit was just as warm and welcoming. He was the first priest who approached me to ask why I had not submitted a request for dispensation. I told him that the bishop told me that he said he would not support a request for dispensation for at least 10 years. Mnsgr. Higley told me that I must have misunderstood. I said, “No, the bishop was pretty clear.” He encouraged me to go ahead and request the dispensation.

In July of 2009, I met with Mnsgr. Higley briefly at the chancery office. He gave me the questionnaire I would need to fill out, and showed me all the supporting documentation I would need to make my case. I took it, and I sat on it. I did nothing with it until April 2, 2010. Good Friday.

I took off work that day, and spent the day writing and praying over the questions. I kept a crucifix near me as I filled out the form. I realized I wasn’t writing to the bishop, or to some nameless prelate in the Congregation of the Clergy in Rome (who receives and judges the requests). I was writing a letter to Jesus, and in this letter I needed to be totally honest, and ask Him for forgiveness. I finished, and I went to the Good Friday Liturgy. I had folded up the printed out pages. During the liturgy, when I went forward to venerate the cross, I spiritually laid the petition, its outcome, the resentment towards the bishop, and my sin at the feet of the cross. I put it in the mail on my way home.

Fr. Mark Porterfield was assigned to be my advocate and assistant in the process. He was awesome. The petition requires witnesses who knew me prior to and at the time of my ordination. It also requires testimony from those in charge of my formation in the seminary. It also takes a statement from the bishop. The bottom line is the bishop allowed the petition to proceed. I don’t know what he wrote in his part, and probably never will. I don’t have any intention of asking. He didn’t stop it, which I’m sure was in his power. It took nearly a full year to gather all the necessary documentation. My understanding is that the testimony from the seminary was what took the longest to get, but I’m not sure about the details. It was February, 2011, when my request for dispensation finally was sent to Rome.

Then we waited…

And waited…

And waited…

And waited.

Once it was submitted to Rome, there was nothing we could do but wait. I have a lot of non-Catholic friends who couldn’t understand what the big deal was. They also questioned, a lot. One of them asked me explicitly why I wanted to be a member of a Church that obviously didn’t care whether I was a member or not. I was at mass with my brother at one point. He is no longer Catholic, but he went with me to mass at that time at my invitation. When it came time for communion, he asked me why I wasn’t going forward to receive it. I told him I couldn’t because Lesley and I were not married in the Church. He asked me why I continued to go to mass then.

I have 2 answers to these questions. First, at no point have Lesley and I been rejected from the Church. Our participation in the sacramental life of the Church has been limited due to our own sin, and the process it took for us to get reconciled. The Church, which is the Body of Christ, the community of the faithful who share in His life, has welcomed us, forgiven us, and invited us to participate in many ways. Some of them we have been able to do; some of them we haven’t.

Secondly, the reason we continued is simple, the Eucharist and the Sacraments. I know beyond any shadow of a doubt, that the bread and wine truly become the sacramental Body and Blood of Jesus Christ. Even if I couldn’t receive him in Holy Communion, I still wanted to be in his presence. One of my favorite places to pray, even now, is in a Church where the sacrament is placed for adoration. “I will gaze on you in the sanctuary to see your strength and your glory” (Psalm 63:2). I can tell you this now: I will never take for granted Holy Communion ever again.

It has been almost 6 years since Lesley and I received Holy Communion. I received my Dispensation from Holy Orders this past Wednesday of Holy Week. On Easter Sunday, Lesley and I will be allowed to return to the full communion of the Catholic Church, and full participation in the sacramental life of the Church. Rejoice with us! “Just so, I tell you, there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who need no repentance” (Luke 15:7). Rejoice with us!

Due to the nature of our situation, we will not have a large celebration to which everyone can be invited. I wish we could. I wish we could have as big a party here on earth as I know the angels will be having in heaven (Luke 15:10). But you can join us in joy. Say a prayer of thanksgiving to God that we will be able to receive him in Holy Communion.

I began this process on Good Friday 2 years ago. How appropriate in God’s time (Ecclesiastes 3:11) that it comes to completion on Easter Sunday.

Rejoice with us! Give thanks with us! Pray for us!

Rejoice with us!